Sunday, February 14, 2021

Upon further review.

  It's been 14 years now. I'm still living it, especially in February. At times I find myself going back even further-- how did I end up with his father? Because at least some of Jesse's story is about that chaotic moment in my life. I don't like disclosing, it took me forever to tell Jesse's brother what I went through.  Most people who know me don't know, in fact, that I was raped in the fall of 1981, and still traumatized by it when I met my ex. Now I look back and it makes sense, that I was alone and vulnerable and suddenly uncertain about all my independence and self-reliance. I didn't trust my own ability to judge people or choose friends anymore. So I rushed headlong into that disaster. It wasn't like people who knew him didn't warn me. One mutual friend told me I'd lost my mind. I think in a way he was right. PTSD works in insidious ways, and narcissistic abusers can sense weakness like that across a room with their eyes closed.

I was injured and didn't know it. I thought I was doing fine. Letting someone swoop in, so confident of himself and what to do, it seemed natural. I was being rescued, in my mind.  So when the other side, the real side, the manipulative, abusive, selfish side appeared, I alternated between believing I deserved it and demanding he stick with his nice side. I had no idea it didn't exist. That it was just a predatory sideshow.

 Two years of wasting my life fighting with him over whether I was worthy to be loved, rather than just walking away because I no longer believed I could. And then I was pregnant. I felt like I was drowning. All the time. It wasn't until years later, another friend took me aside and said, Look, he may not be hitting you but he's abusing you. You need to stop venting at us all and put that energy into leaving him.

I went into therapy It took me 5 years and second child to fight my way back to the surface. Predictably he tried to take the kids from me. Predictably he tried to destroy Jesse's trust in me. Predictably he couldn't quite pull it off because narcissists don't really understand the other people they look down on. He had no idea how to begin to destroy my younger son's love for me. Thankfully. Eventually their father died. So we all began the long journey to healing.

And just as Jesse and I were starting to get to know each other as adults, to process all the terrible things we'd both been through, he was taken from us.

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Imagine I am a sentient, emotional robot. I can learn anything you teach me, but I can't imagine what you know, which is a lot more than me, about social cues.

So we play a game where you teach me about feelings: I imitate you, and learn to associate a feeling with a tone of voice, an expression and/or body language, and then later, I can understand that you have that feeling when you make that expression, use that tone of voice, or hold your body that way. And when I have that feeling, I do the things I learned from you, so you can understand my emotional state. The more you teach me, the more I can pick up. You may start to think I'm "just like you."

But the subtle, complex cues are hard. If you later show me a set of behaviors I've never seen before, or that are too hard for me to follow, I won't know what's going on.

Because you think of me as human now, you will think I'm ignoring you, or being mean. It can hurt your feelings a lot. Eventually you may show an expression obvious enough that I understand, but I won't know why you're feeling angry, upset or sad. I'll only know if you tell me. I may have to learn a subroutine called, "I can't read your mind, what are you upset about?"

Saturday, April 25, 2020

No rejections.

Many years ago, my therapist (after 10 years of seeing her), told me "If you care about someone you better not reject them."

I didn't really understand that some of the things I said to people were pushing them away. These were things people I loved said to me all my life. Criticisms, complaints, nagging. Being autistic makes understanding this social stuff harder.

I had to ask her to spell it out to me, and I had to think about it for a long, long time. Watch it happen over and over until it sunk in. And I still catch myself doing it wrong. The coworker who asks me out to lunch when I brought mine -- say yes, not no. My kids who wanted me to play with them instead of reading. Say yes, not no. My mother, wanting me to pick up the phone.

There are nuances to this: people who invite you to something but don't mean it, really. People who ask to come along to some event but don't really intend to. Apparently you're supposed to say yes here too, and then just deal with it. This is complicated.

There are keywords-- come by "sometime", let's go for drinks "next month," "call me next time you're in town."  I imagine some people say this and mean it, and are disappointed when I don't follow through. I assume what most of them mean is "I don't dislike you and I don't want you to dislike me, but."

But they really don't know how to deal with my oddness, or my inability to read them, or anyone. Cues are wasted on me. It's their way of not-rejecting me. Sometimes I get it. Sometimes I've even used this method of protecting my distance. I like being alone because I don't have to ride the people roller coaster.

Back then, I was probably talking about my partner, back when I was the kind of person who got upset about how the dishwasher was stacked or who dusted the bookshelves last (it was always me, unless I nagged him). It took us oh, a couple of decades to reach a stalemate on things like that.

Truth is, we both get angry when we're stressed. We both let things build up. Because of my health, there's less i can do now, and he has had to take up the slack. So I try not to be that person. Still, when the frustration bubbles up from him, I feel indignant, rejected, alone. Only now I tell myself, this is how it feels for them if I don't keep my own house in order.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Regarding bad options

Once I got lost on hike deep in the Sangre de Cristos mountains, on a stretch where the slopes were overgrown with brush and trees. The trail had disappeared under my feet, and it was getting late. I stumbled into an abandoned campsite that seemed haunted -- why just walk away and leave all your stuff? Did they make the mistakes I did, and never make it back?
The sun had begun to sink below the next ridge, but I could see the bright sky and the last sunlight still lit the eastern slope. Ahead of me was a river of boulders that had cascaded down from above. No water, just boulders bigger than me, piling up to the top of the ridge. I'd have to hop from one to the next, hundreds of feet up, to get high enough to hope to get a glimpse of my campsite, or the trail. If I slipped on the moss, I'd break my leg at the very least, and no one would ever find me. Worse was what might live there. It would take me hours to climb that.
The only other option was to hike down the overgrown slope through dense brush I knew hid rattlesnakes, bear and elk, toward the foot of the ridge, to try to follow the river back to camp. I knew both options could end with me dying alone in the middle of nowhere. But at least the river had water, and it knew where it came from.

Thursday, March 5, 2020


I'm outside all the labels I've had stuck to me over time. The ones I embraced, and the ones that drove me away from everyone I knew, and every other place I've lived.

Weird, that's a good one. I didn't mind it. After all, I didn't want to be normal. Normal felt dishonest. It seemed to me then that everyone was "playing" normal out of fear. And I was not afraid.

But "weird" is what your family and schoolmates and teachers, everyone uses to mark you as untrustworthy, flawed, maybe dangerous. Weird lumps you in with creeps and serial killers and pagan goat worshipers. You don't even realize how you feed into that perception.

I was... possibly 50? When I realized that other people really meant and felt the things they said and did. They weren't afraid, mostly. The socialization was what they wanted. It was also when I realized they really meant and felt the things they said about me.