The Hollow Woman
5 years ago
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
That dream we all dread.
Well, maybe you don't know to dread it yet. I fell asleep briefly in front of the tv and dreamed that none of this had happened. In the dream, I thought for a moment, that Jesse was dead, and then laughed at myself for my silly fears. Then I woke up, staring at the urn of his ashes.
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I used to have this dream about my father. At first, it would refresh all the anguish, as in those moments after waking I lost him all over again. Over time, though, I came to welcome the dreams, because I'm glad to see him when he shows up. Now I'm used to waking up and remembering, and it doesn't hurt so much.
ReplyDeleteI had those about my dad, too. They were more terrifying though, because he wasn't always healthy, as Jesse is in my dreams (my dad was sick for most of my teens before he died when I was 21). It wasn't till my 30s that they became more pleasant, but that may have to do with how he died (I was there).
ReplyDeleteI don't know whether I've made peace with losing my dad, so much as the emotional overload of losing Jesse has short circuited that old pain. I don't think you can measure emotional pain more than roughly-- but losing Jesse is without a doubt the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
BTW, I love that photo of you.