Monday, November 24, 2008

I can't write

I still hear it in my head, what I want to say and how it should sound, I still edit as I walk, finding better words, stringing ideas together, but I can't get it out of my head any more. Everything leads me back to Jesse, to tears and then despair. I don't know how to get past that minefield, I can only skirt it and keep moving. I want to talk about Italy, about how I knew Jesse had been there; could feel it. Feel him, in Venice. Maybe he told me once, and I just don't remember. I do remember sitting outside the neurology ICU with his ex=girlfriend. There were a series of black and white photos of European cities hung along the hallway where we all camped like, my mother said, gypsies. Knowing he would never wake again, keeping vigil for him anyway. And his ex-girlfriend said, Jesse and I have been to all of those places. And I said, thank you. Thank you for taking him there, thank you for helping him to really live in those last two years. Thank you even for taking him skydiving--that was his Facebook photo, too, before they took it away, him in the plane wide eyed with an almost-grin on his face, the kind of expression you wear when you are about to do something amazing and you know it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. At least I know that happened. At least I know something wonderful happened for him. Not nearly as often as it should.


  1. He was so petrified in that plane. Haha. I don't know if I ever told you the full skydiving story. We had arrived at the facility a bit early, and so we got to see a series of people landing from their jumps. One of the last landings we saw was a guy who came down insanely close to a string of power lines because he tried to be impressive and did this circle-like trick. We both sat there gawking with our jaws dropped and snickered about how stupid that guy was. Soon enough, it was time to watch our 'instructional video', which was actually this MTV-style montage of people skydiving set to 80s music. That's it. No 'instruction' in sight. So after the video we walked over to meet the people we'd be jumping with (our tandem partners) and sure enough... Jes got paired with power lines guy! It was hysterical... in a kinda scary way. He was petrified. Mind you... power-lines-guy was also on the more petite side, so of course Jes start cracking jokes about how he was going to use him as a landing cushion, yada yada. I can send the full series of pictures if you don't already have them.
    Just to let you know, your blog gave me some comfort today. Reading some of your entries about the memories you have of him as a kid and how much they hurt... as much as I wish I could relieve your pain... it's nice to know I'm not alone. It's so lonely to be the only person with all of our memories together. I've been the biggest mess since Thanksgiving. The mere mention of Tofurkey sends me into crazy-ugly-crying territory. I don't think my eyes have stopped tearing since Wednesday. I miss him so much. And though I'm not a fan of being so public about things, reading some of the comments other people left on your entries was comforting, so I wanted to do the same.
    Love, L

  2. If you could send me the skydiving photos, that would be wonderful beyond words.
    Thanks, and I'm glad you posted this.


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