Monday, October 26, 2009


That's where I've been. Surrounded by soft cottony zoloft. No crying fits, no overwhelming desire to rehash what happened. I can smile when I think of Jesse. I remembered the day that I knew he was moving back home for law school, I remember those weeks when I knew, and felt a glow as if I were pregnant. It was my happy non-secret. Not long ago, I stood in the hallway between the two halves of our loft and I remembered standing there, knowing he was there behind the closed door, safe and sound. I remembered and I didn't cry. I smiled. Felt the cool shadow of that happiness on me again. My baby had come home.


  1. I already told you I love you, right?

    Sounds like progress to me Iso.

    During a bout of panic disorder about 20 years ago, a very wise shrink told me "Michael, the goal is for you to be symptom free and med free. We'll take symptom free for starters."

  2. I'm dittoing what he said. And, also how's your foot?

  3. Zoloft. Would you, in all seriousness and earnestness, recommend it? I'm tired, literally, of feeling the way I do all the time. It's just that I'm afraid to go to the doctor lest he find something (else) wrong with me.

    Really good to hear you're feeling better. Let's hope it's contagious.

  4. @swit, yes, definitely, but each person reacts a little differently to each kind of antidepressant. I'd say get an Rx for a low dose and see if it helps. It works better for me than Prozac, or whatever the heck else they had me on in 07. It just takes the edge off the real misery, so I can think about other things. I still think about Jesse, of course, all the time, but it doesn't rip me in half every day. So that's to the good.

    @ schmutzle, you too, and sorry about the insanity over there. It's still a good idea. I'm impressed you're holding back from getting into the mud. As for the drugs, I'm all for rewiring the neural pathway, because that's literally what it does. Instead of looping your pattern to depressive/grieving mode, it prevents the drop and keeps your neurons on the straight & steady. That's why the symptoms have to go first. So your brain can be retrained.

    @a&s thanks hon, and I'm out of the boot sometimes. There's a little halo of healing bone where the break was, very cool to see on x-ray.

  5. I thought I could do it med free. I resisted at first. That was just plain country dumb of me, as I knew next to nothing about the way the brain works. Once my doc explained the chemical reactions that were causing the fight/flight thing, I quit playing amateur shrink and followed his directions.

    I remember one day going to his office and asking him if it was strange to feel "euphoric" simply because I was at the very least functional again. He just smiled and said "Functional is progress."

    The "one day at a time" thing seems trite sometimes, but you Iso can truly grasp what it means. It's only after you start having "good days" that you realize how bad the bad days are, and how fantastic "normal" can feel.

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  7. Normal is under-rated by anyone who has not been through these kinds of other days.

    I'll take normal. Any day.

  8. One minute at a time can be a challenge, Schmutzie. I learned to break it down that way. Maybe you can't picture a whole day, can't stand the thought of it, but you can make it through the next second. No commitment, just that second, and maybe the next one. Next thing you know, a whole minute has gone by.


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