The Hollow Woman
5 years ago
Monday, January 4, 2010
I can hardly bear to look at him
The sad faced boy in the photos. My heart nearly breaks just thinking of him. He is never smiling. Sometimes he looks off while others smile, as if he's seeing something awful, just off frame. Others he looks dead on into the lens, searching, longing. I know what he did was awful. I would have jumped him too. I don't believe he should be freed. But that's not everything. Who could have saved him? What if we did things differently now? Is he a bottomless pit of need, wishing to die for something, anything to give meaning to his misery? He was a child who was given everything and nothing. The void wasn't filled with hate, I don't believe that. Anymore than it was filled by anything else that was thrown in it. He was committing suicide. They just used that fact for their potential benefit.
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Its our only hope. To see his face. To not look away. And to recognize that We-with-a-capital-W do not have to react as if he-with-a-small-h can sate our need for revenge.
ReplyDeleteSomehow We have to get off that cycle. We have to break it.
Flying now, officially, terrifies me. I leave for Ireland in two weeks. I'm not sure if it is him (and his ilk) that scares me so much, or if it is US and our ilk.
Same result in this addled brain.
I've never been afraid of flying, but if I imagine it like claustrophobia, I can empathize. It took some struggle to conquer that. Deep breathing techniques, imaging, talking myself down. Now I can recognize the panic before it even starts and back it down. It's been a while now since anything terrified me. Guess I got that knocked out of my system.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy Ireland.
Indeed. The visceral reaction is one thing. When I can engage the part of my brain that works, I too can recognize it and deal with it. That's a strategy that works in a lot of things - and for me the naming of the terror is part of it. I can't pretend it's not there.
ReplyDeleteIts not so much death I'm afraid of. It's more the anguish or terror. I guess that's why they call waterboarding torture.
We'll be in Dublin for about five days. Not really going to be traveling much. Sadly (for Dublin and other cities) I love NYC the best, so it takes some extra effort on my part to imagine enjoying a city other than yours. :)
It takes extra effort to enjoy any city other than NYC?
ReplyDeleteSometimes I don't even know who you are.
El oh el, Schmutzie.
ReplyDelete