Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Here it comes

January 6th- that's when he told a friend he felt "paranoid" about a cut that wouldn't heal. If he'd gone to the doctor that day, he would most likely have survived. There are other days and events I know but won't disclose here, because other people's hearts are involved, but I feel these past events move through me physically,  displace me as they move the way a stone might sink through jelly. Events that, had they been slightly modified, if they'd happened a little earlier, or later, or differently, might have changed something. If someone had said or not said something. If he had let himself think about this or that, or stopped thinking about another thing.  So many small moments leading always to the same place, a dark, depressing hospital room that couldn't be helped.

Life takes everything from you, but  it's given you everything in the first place.

4 comments:

  1. Hi Iso. I don't know what to say to you other than what I've already said to you, which never feels like enough. I can only hope that the passage of time makes these memories a little, or even a fraction of a little, ....less painful for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Schmutzie. I miss having a place to go where we can all shoot the shit. You gave us that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My board is HERE. There's also Reddit BotF here & Weldon's board here. Prob never recapture the general Fray vibe, but sooner or later I expect a reunion of sorts, maybe on FB. (although I know FB isn't your venue of choice at this point, understandably) ---I miss it too.

    (Still holding out hope for Fairfield good news. Any recent developments outside what I've read on the FB page?)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just miss you, period. Was just thinking about the hoot we had that night we went to see Jon Stewart. I need a fun night like that again. As for this here, I am with you 100 percent. This Sunday marks the first anniversary of my mother's death, and my father is reliving the days leading up to it in a piercingly bittersweet way - I am living with him now in his own final days and I can only hope his time comes just as peacefully as hers. Your Jesse on the other hand, the untimeliness must always keep it feeling unnatural and raw and just wrong, wrong, wrong. I hope there are some moments of relief for you over the next two weeks, this is the time you feel it most acutely. We are all here, and we ache for you, Iso. You are an inspiring mother - then and now.

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.