Saturday, December 8, 2012


Jesse and I had back pain in common. The book he was given by his chiropractor (Treat Your Own Back) is the same one I'm using now. He got his from a badly performed bone marrow biopsy, we think. Mine is from a group of herniated disks pressing on various nerves. I know it was frustrating for him to be in pain so often at such a young age, he'd always been athletic and it took a toll on him. It doesn't make me feel any better to remind myself, of course. It makes me miss him even more, on top of this. I don't know what his life would be like now, for good or bad. He was very much the pilot of his own ship. It's just easier to imagine him somehow still going forward, somewhere, than to think otherwise. I don't care for any religion, because none of them would have granted his atheist ass an afterlife (he didn't believe in one himself). But whatever the reality is, I need to think it's not the end of my time with him. Maybe the only time is in my heart and head, but that's not enough.


  1. I think he would've had a marvelous, passionate, wonderful, complicated and illustrious 5 years. He would have finished school by now, & he'd be an advocate for many causes. He would have forged a tighter bond with his younger brother because their age difference would be immaterial now. He wouldve matured and come full circle with you. i really believe that all the things you've agonized and played over and over in your mind would have been resolved because he was smart enough to see how much you loved him and when it mattered, you were always there. He probably wouldn't be married yet, he'd delay that like everyone else in his generation wisely does.

  2. I'm sure of your first two sentences, and the last anyway. I think at some point we would have worked things out better, all of us; but he was stubborn enough, and I'm emotionally klutzy enough, that it might have taken decades. I guess I might as well make it easy on myself and imagine your timeline being right. It's not like I get to check my work later. Thanks tope.


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